Natural Distasters

okay, so I know this is very different from my normal posts.. but I have been thinking about it a lot & it is kinda freaking me out.

so, you know how the world is supposefly supposed to end in 2012?
well, I am terrified to see if it actually true or not.. even though I don't really believe it.

but, all of these horrible things have been happening.
there has been an earthquake in chile, haiti, & a tsunami in hawaii.
& then on top of that all of these famous people, & people in real life have been dying. Maybe it's just because I am older and I hear a lot more about everything..
or maybe it's just idk..

it seems that all of these horrible things are happening.. maybe the events will end up to the world ending.. in 2012? idk, maybe I am just going insane. who knows. but that's my opinion. gives you something to think about that's for sure.

just a coupla words.

so yeah, this week has been HORRID!!
I think it's because I have been thinking I want to try.
who knows.
or maybe I just had a crappy week..
but, I am going to keep on trying.
I will never give up.
I WILL reach that goal!

I had a feeling

I had a feeling I gained a bit of weight over this vacation.. & I guess I was right! :-/

I tried on my hollister shorts that are a width of 24.. which once fit perfectly in january.. and now they barely fit! fml.

I need to start sticking to all of these plans! but, when I plan what I am going to eat.. that doesn't seem to work. so, I will just eat anything..

so, I am going to take my adderal everyday.. just not everyday when I come home from school. I will sometimes after school.. just not all the time. whatever happened to my GW of 100?

well, I am going to start weighing myself on mondays, wednesdays.. and fridays.
or, maybe I should weight myself EVERYDAY?

yes, I think I will do that because thats what seemed to have worked.

I will weigh myself everyday.. before I take a shower in the mornings.
& I just weighed myself which I shouldn't have done because I weigh 111 pounds !!! :-/
fml. this is so horrible. ugh, I was 108 2 weeks ago!! well, I guess I will go & post some thinspiration links..

http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/2009/08/motivation-is-what-gets-you-started.html

http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/2009/07/before-and-after-weight-loss-thinspo.html

http://www.pro-thinspo.com/morepics.html

so, I am giving myself until the end of march to weigh 100. thats about 4 weeks. so, I will have to loose 2.75 pounds a week. if I do my crunches & everything, it should be possible :)

Life's Unfair.

okay, well apparently the not eating will mostly take care of itself.
I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everything.
My moms cancer is back.. or apparently it never went away.
She has been out sick for a couple of weeks with Pneumonia.. & so when she was finally going to go back.. she found out that she was going to get fired. She was behind on her bills I guess & I have no idea how much money she has left. maybe none.
I am terrified that we may loose the house.. I love it here so much.
so yesterday morning I was getting ready & she told me that she was going to take some sleeping pills to help her go to sleep.. and then she said I love you. I didn't say anything, so she just shut my door.
I got a call from Darcy, a family friend saying to go & check on my mom saying that she had gotten an extremely disturbing text message from my mom & to go & check on her. I already knew what was going on, I'm not an idiot and just know people. so, I went to go & check on her. she was laying down. I pushed her a couple of times & she didn't move. I checked her pulse & I couldn't feel anything. But then I smacked her & she moved. so I told Darcy she was fine out of panick and just hoping she was. Darcy asked if I was sure & I said that she should come over here and check. she said she was in her pj's but she said she'd be over. I didn't know this part yet, so I continued getting ready for school.. & starting breaking down crying.. trying to breath & get a grip and tell myself everything would be fine and that my mom was just in a deep sleep. then darcy came over and went into the room, her next words were startling as she said she needed to call rescue. I freaked out & gathered my stuff for the school day and called David (my friend who gives me rides) to come NOW. he said okay, & I went outside & darcy asked me what I was doing. & I said I wanted to go 7 wait outside for David. the truth is david comforts me & reminds me of everything. he is just a safe person who I prefer to be around out of choice.. one of the VERY few who I feel that comfortable around and who I ACTUALLY want to be around. so I went outside 7 that's when the ambulences came. they went inside.. I called david and told him to hurry up. he said one minute and I hung up. then the ambuulences rolled my mom out on a stretcher. she seemed lifeless and hopeless. kind of pathetic honestly. a few minutes later they said she was responsive and talking.. which was AWFUL quick. but whatever. so then this police guy came up to me 7 kept on asking me rediculous questions to try & figure things out when it's RIGHT infront of him. it's quite obvious she overdosed on painkiller intending to kill herelf.. because she got fired and of money and she didn't know what to do. but, then david came, and when I was heading towards the car the police guy wouldn't let me go. he told me to tell david & julianna to go to school on there own. so they left. & I had to go back in the house.. and see the 2 or 3 page double sided note.. which what most people refer to as a suicide note. my grandma was there also. she said she needed a copy of it. they gave her a copy. apparently my mom has a copy machine. so, I never even got to read it. I don't want to. maybe I do. I don't know. but, the rest of the day was CRAP. I found out that my moms cancer is back.. and that it apparently never went away to begin with. I guess everyone just told me that.. when apparently EVERYONE else knew. even david.. & apparently she is NOT healthy. she is probably going to die. but according to darcy, she hasnt had that talk with her doctor yet. I know. She probably isn't goign to live much longer if she is unhealthy as everyone says she is. I am thinking she isn't going to see me get married.. which I plan on doing once I am at least 24 or 25. about 10 years from now. that's what I figure. & I hate it. I really do. edit later.