Back in control

oh my god! I feel so bloated after today! Thank god I am starting that thing tomorrow! I need to get back in control, I really dont care if it means taking my adderal everyday and I have to do math questions. I don't care. This isnt about my comfort. This about getting back in control. I really want to loose 10 pounds in 10 days. Jessica simpson recently did it with eating and ecercising, so I figure I can do the same...but without eating. I just have to stay in my room and not eat! I mean I need to control my cravings! Who cares if I feel empty? I need to learn to control those cravings. Well, I have made a little one way deal with myself. And, it is that, I am going to weigh myself friday, and it the number on the scale doesnt say 108(thats what I weighed the last day of school but now I probably weigh 112 or 113), then I am going to have to make myself puke 3 times. Then that night I will turn the air conditioner on high, and sleep wearing nothing with no covers so I can freeze my ass off. Maybe that will teach me a lesson. Also, I think its bull how people say calories are obsorbed in your mouth. So if the cravings become unbearable, then I will chew and spit like I used to. Now that I think about it...the chewing and spitting really seemed to work. That was when I was most in control and at my lowest weight. So yeah. This week I am going to do what ever it takes. And if I do end up loosing 10 pounds, then that would mean I will be less than 108, but the scale better at the least say 108. I think I am also going to0 start wearing a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it when I am hungry. People say that actually works. So I am going to try it. Also, I may not go on the computer for a bit to control cravings.

The key

Well, I cant wait to start school back up again, because then all I have to do is not eat breakfast and I am occupied until like 3:00. Then when I come home I will have homework.

So, anyways. I ffound out that certain things help me stay on track. Like listening to the mamma mia soundtrack, and watching really long musical movies. So I will be a lot of those recently. And I will be just sitting outside and reading a lot more than usual.

omg I can't wait for school!

The Lemon Flush

well I didnt eat for two days, and then I have been eating 2 meals for 3 days. And this eating has to stop!

Well, I have heard of something called the lemon flush. And I want to try it. So, for the next 5 days, I am going to be living on nothing except calorie free lemonade, water, and ice. Some distractions that I have that I can to is well, tomorrow I am going to the beach all day. And I figure something. I want to try. Usually when I am over tired, I am less likely not to eat. So tomorrow night I am going to try and stay up all night and throughout the day. And for monday, I will probably call someone and see if they want to hang out. And then tuesday I will probably just hang out. I don't know. Everything is unplanned.

And I know I am making a risk by posting because I think my mom has been going through the computers history and reading my blog posts because she is annoying like that and she realy needs to mind her personal space.

Winter

Hey everyone, I wont be able to post for a week for reasons I will explain later on.
But please enjoy this is my absence.

When it was winter I wanted it to be summer! That was just so the rain would go away, but now I miss winter so much! I miss the cool air! I miss that borderline between fall and winter. When the leaves are done changing colors and some are starting to fall off. I love how crisp the air is! In it's own was that feels warm to me. I think their should be only one month of summer. They say that you shouldnt get too much of a good thing and I agree completley. Summer has overstayed its welcome. I just want to wear my favorite pair of jeansagain and feel the warmth of long sleeves and sweatshirts. I want to go skiing at bretton woods and when I blow bubbles with my gum on the chair lift, it freezes. I miss canadato, I loved it their, thatlittle village thatyou walked through on the way to Mount.Tremblante. How the pankcakes were bigger than my head! Of course, that was 4 years ago.Another thing about winter, myskinfeels like ice 24/7, but not to me, only to everyone else, and its fun to see people reactions if I give them a hug or a high five and they ask me why my skin is so cold and I just laugh and say, how come your so warm? I love going over my cousins house in the fall. Outside their are leaves everywhere because she owns 10 acres of woods and land. And I love walking around their for hours and then coming back inside, but not to their house, to her mini club house/lodge thats about that size of agood sized bedroom. I love how outside you can see the steam rising from theold fashioned fire place and inside it's so warm. I love watching the BMX bikers going for whatcould possibly be their last ride for the winter and howI freak out for a nano seccond everytime I hear the roars of their bikes because it cuts through the silence of nature. I love swinging on those swings that are connected to the trees and I have to cover my hands with my sleeves because the rope is frozen. I love the rough, rugged feel of everything. Imiss howone classroom can be a bit too warm and the other can be shockingly freezing that you have to dress in layers sometimes, but I put up with it. I miss wearing shorts to bed in the winter and how that actually makes a difference. I miss how when the snow falls, my house looks super white, and the dead plants and trees branches actually goes with the whole theme. I miss walking home from the bus after department night and just taking my time looking at the changes in the snow, and thinking about when it will be warm enough just to walk those 15 minutes to go say hi to my 5th and 6th grade teachers and they remark onhow grown up I look. I miss being able to wear light pink nail polish, andyou can actually see it because I am so pale that my summer tan doesntruin it. I miss the feel of jeans, a long sleeve shirt,and sneakers paired together. I miss everything about winter

change of plans

so change of plans. for a week or two, i will eat nothing but an apple a day. and each day i will make one of these a day, a cup of v8 fruit juice, ice, and a tsp of whipped cream and i blend that up and its only 80 calories. and it fills me up so much1 that diet will be fun1

Actually

So actually tomorrow I am starting this thing when I eat 2 apples a day for a week. I plan to loose at least 6 pounds on that. But then again I havent weighed myself recently so I wont know how much I loose. I guess at the end of this next week or the week after I will weigh myself and see how much I weigh. I think I will wait 2 weeks though, the friday before i come back to my other momshouse. wish me luck(:

a whole new me

So, no matter what, even if I have to exercise nonstop one day, I am going to be at least 100 pounds by the first day of school. I am going to try for a "whole new me". Like people won't even be able to recognize me. I am going to get sun-in and I am getting 3 pairs of colored contacts that last 90 days each. So all together they will last for 9 months and their are 12 months out of the year. So that lasts almost a year! So yeah, I will wear the contacts since the start of the first day of school and when christmas vacation comes around I will loose anotther 5 pounds then and I will switch my contacts for another mini transformation. This will be so fun! I can't wait! And it will only cost me $40!!!

today and tomorrow

Gabby just left thank gawd. And yeah I can allready tell that the atmosphere is different and i am not being pressured to eat. So starting now I am on a fast. My mom is at the store buying prune juice, so i'll have 25% of it today(thursday), 25% of it friday, 25% of it saturday, and the rest of it sunday. Its like a 4 day body clense. I really need to loose the weight I have gained over the past 3 weeks. I need a whole new start which starts today.

holy crap! havent posted in forever!

well, i dont remember if i ever mentioned him in any of my blog entries but basically, their is this guy, and I used to talk to him all the time(but i don't know him), And I just like idk, I just like really really really like him. And he hasnt been on in like forever(like probablyh 3 or 4 months). And I have pretty much died, and I think about him uncontrollably(no i am not obsessed), i just cant control it. So yeah guess what, today he signed on! And like even though we didnt talk that much today i still cant help but feel something. So, I was thinking, he might be the strength to return my only eating like sugar free jello a day and not cheating and binging. Because these last 3 days have been horrible. I really feel like I gained everything back from the beggining even though I probably didn't. But ever since i started talking to him I have been not be able to eat because I am so happy! And this may sound cheesy, but my stomache is full...of warmth from talking to him! I just know that this is exactly what i need to get me back on track. And my friend is leaving my house(after 3 days, explains by constant eating, she eats all the time and i usually do when I am with her). So yeah, I will have 3 days to get me refreshed from all of this junk i've eaten. I am tricking this mom to buy me prune juice tomorrow(it tastes good to me), so I will probably take the next two days to poop a lot! ugh my ass will burn but oh well. That is punishment for caving into gabbys ways of eating. Yeah so...thats pretty much all for now because my computer is going to dye in 10 minutes

You know...

You know...maybe being not so harsh on myself isnt working. I mean I need to insult myself in my head all day and wear revealing clothes so people will look at me weirdly and I will want to not eat. Because I mean at the beach I was wearing a bikini and my friend asked if I had lost weight, I mean I dont see how she could tell, I mean I only lost 8 pounds, then gained back about 5, then lost 3. But I saw a lot of guys looking at me in "that way". The checking you out type of way. And no, don't think thats great because guys looked at me before like that too, and guys are weird. Guys actually want a girl who isnt a stick. And I had something slip by accident when I was talking to my friend in the water. I was all like ugh I hate my fat! Because I was thinking it, But I accidently said it out loud, and she was all like you are deffinatley not fat, I wish I had your abs. And earlier when I was setting up my beach towel and she was all like I hate you, and I was like why(I allready knew what was coming because she says it all the time), and she was like because you are skinny. And I mean like come on! I mean its quite obvious how she is saying it all the time she thinks I am fat. I mean ugh! So, back to my point, I nee dto start being vicous on myself and I need to torture myself with cravings. Hey, no one said this was easy.

The Red Beach

Ohk, today I went to the beach and I didn't eat anything and I swam all day so that burned major calories. Now, my body is tan...but my face and chest is burnt as hell! My face looks like I just ran for 2 hours without a break. Ugh! Well, and also when I came home I ate:

a bowl of honey bunches of oats
cucumbers
an english muffin w/peanut butter
and 2 nutrigrain bars!!!

Now I am so full and bloated and I just threw up about 3 times but Its still the english muffin and nutrigrain bars. I am so pissed. Well, I am going to try and throw up as many times as I can. And I will be starting a fast tomorrow. But I am not going to call it a fast. I am going to call it "loose as much weight as possible for 4 days". Because for the next 4 days I am pretty much going to be busy during meal times with friends so now to my mom I can say I had snacks their or I ate their or we ate at the mall. I cant wait because then I can not eat whatever I want. But its allways easy when I am out, its when I am at my house is when I get cravings. So even when I am not busy I will try to do something.

Mid day weigh in

So, at the beggining of the day I weighed myself and I weighed 113. I have been drinking a lt of water and I went for a 20 minute bike ride. And also, of course, not eating, and I weighed myself and I weigh 111.5 which means so far I have dropped 1.5 pounds just in half a day. So tonight I will also weigh myself and record that and same with all the next days. And tomorrow I am hanging out with a friend at 4. Us hanging out should distract me majorly. It will pass time quickly and keep my mind off of eating.

7/10*

Ohk, So as of july 10th, I have been going out with someone. His names Joey. But I am thinking of breaking up with him because of the 4 days we have been going out, we have only hung out once, and that was the day he asked me out. And to say the truth, I don't even now why I said yes. I mean I feel nothing for him. I don't even know why I said yes. I just did. But I feel bad because I am allways breaking up with guys. Maybe I should say to him "I think we should break up because we havent seen eachother at all, and it just doesn't feel right, maybe we could start this up again when the school year starts and we see eachother more often, I don't know. We'll see". But I don't know what I should do! Call him up? Or IM him, becuse thats how we have been talking. Ugh!

I'm back

Ohk, that was the shortest bike ride in history I have been on, I'll make up for it tomorrow.
But here are more links...

http://fiasco0.xanga.com/

http://kicking-itt.xanga.com/

http://collar-bone-couture.xanga.com/

http://sknnygrl4ever.xanga.com/

http://real-sk-thinspo.xanga.com/

Ohk, so I have some major dammage. I weighed myself last night and I weigh a wopping 113, so yeah. I have major dammage control! I am not trying, but doing this new thing starting today: loose as much weight as possible everyday. I am not going to eat! At all! It's to slow and doesnt work! I tried fasting before and failed, but this time I am not going to fail. I am going to wear a rubber band around my wrist and write 98 on my hand everyday in permanent marker until I am that. I am going for a 5 minute bike ride everyday(only 5 so I don't faint but I am stil burning about 50 calories). So no eating until I am 100, then I can eat something, then no eating until I am 95. People say that cofee controls hunger. So, I am going to be drinking cofee a lot! But, the stuff that you make at home, and I will limit myself to 3 cups a day. And, I will put 2 tbs of cream, and 1 packet of splenda 0 calorie sweetener(all together thats 40 calories, and its a liquid)

http://iwannabesvelte.xanga.com/

http://itwaswritteninblood.xanga.com/

http://xx-real-girl-thinspo-xx.xanga.com/

http://yourheartisanemptyroom1.xanga.com/706336865/heading-in-a-bad-direction/

http://voguethinspo----x.xanga.com/

thats all for now(:
Now i'm going to go have some cofee

Some more thinspo links

http://emmadiamonds.xanga.com/

http://livetheskinny.xanga.com/

http://tinyanckles.xanga.com/

http://skinnyisprettyx.xanga.com/

http://thiinspiir3-m3.xanga.com/

http://thescalediaries.xanga.com/

well, I am going for a bike ride, but i'll post more when I get back.

Today

Today, has been day one, so I have been eating not a lot still, but all salad and fruit. And inside of me feels so much better than when I was trying to eat nothing but diet sodas and the ocasional oyster crackers. So, in the long run it will make me loose weight faster, because it will make me less likely to break. And, today I feel so happy and wonderfull, I have been listening to only fast paced songs to keep me in that "feel good" mood. I think I even feel good to go over a friends house and not break by eating something their.

Today

So, today is day one and it has been going wonderful. My fridge is filled with vegetables, fruits, salad, and 0 calorie beverages. Also, I am going to call my friend up later today and ask if she wants to hang out tomorrow, I will ride my bike over so maybe we can go bike riding, or if we don't at least I get exercise during the week from riding my bike back and forth to her house and back.

I have decided to go on a "healthy" diet.

Yeah so I don't want to eat specialK anymore, I mean yeah today I have eaten it but I am just so bored of cereal, and the churning feeling it leaves in my stomache after I eat any cereal with milk. So, I have decided to go on a "healthy" diet. But taking the healthy to an extreme. Starting this sunday, until next sunday(a week), I am only going to eat salads for lunch, and dinner(I sleep to late to eat breakfast).

So for lunch in dinner my salad can include the following:
any type of fruit
any type of vegetable

Thats it. No crutons(however you spell it) or dressing or crap like that...(2 tsp of ranch dressing contains 16g of fat!!!), not that I like ranch, I prefer italian or viniger, but still.

And on wednesday I can have desert, its this new 100 calorie pack microwave Kettlecorn. It barely has anything in it and it is less than 100 calories because I only put in in for 1 minute so only like 3/4 of it pops.

I will do this for a week and then weigh myself at the end of the week to see how much I weigh. If I loose 4 pounds or more, then this will be my diet for the next 4 weeks.

Monday: Multivitamin
Tuesday:Multivitamin
Wednesday:Fish oil + multi vitamin
Thursday: Multivitamin
Friday: vitaminC + multivitamin
Saturday: Nothing
Sunday: weigh self that morning

I'm not strong...enough

I'm not strong enough for this. This morning I weighed myself and I weigh 110. But really I can't take this anymore! I am starting this new thing today that will probably help me get through the day, because when I don't eat for that long, I get this feeling that I am going to puke, and the worlds spinning, and I get an unbeearable headache, and thats all because of Damn low blood sugar, and no that is not diabetes(diabetes is high blood sugar). So anyways my new plan is something that I did before and it worked a tiny bit slower, but it still worked: I am going to have a cup of specialK or raisin bran cereal and a cup of milk a day. So thats about 200 calories a day(hey its better than if I continued with the no eating and I probably would have had 1000 calories and 2 days and more going down the drain). So yeah, I will post on my results with these to see if it still works.

Do not give up what you want most; for something you want this moment.

I am so tired right now but I TRIED going to sleep but I can't, I guess its for the best, because if I sleep now I probably wont sleep tonight.
So, heres some more thinspo links

http://obscuretaste.xanga.com/photos/dcbe2198014164
^make sure you click the newer and older words because their is only 1 pic per page on that blog

http://beautifull-perfection.xanga.com/
^I think this one has a wide range

http://butterflyonice.xanga.com/albums/f20104123e3c3d/
^I noticed a ballet pic on here, and yes ballet does burn major calories, but I've been dancing for 10years and ballet for 3, and my legs deffinatley werent thin like some of those girls, my calves had major muscle.

http://glam0r0us-thinspo.xanga.com/

http://letmebe-empty.xanga.com/705974834/day-20-and-i-feel-great-d/

http://cocaine-and-rockstars.xanga.com/

well thats all for now because my computer is being stupid and keeps on freezing every 20 minnutes.

what goes around, comes around

so, yesterday before I started that water thing, I weighed myself the night before, monday night. And what showed shocked me. It said 113. I guess those binges really catch up with you. And I can't say I am shocked because I am not. I have been really bad lately and have been binging. So, yesterday was day one of the water fast that was supposefly supposed to make you loose 5 pounds in 2-3 days. So, ive decided to make it 3 days.

Yesterday was day one, and I drank 2 and a half water bottles and I got to say that I peed like crazy. TMI I know(: But also yesterday went shockngly great in the eating department, that was my first day ever I think, besides when I got my tonsils taken out in 3rd grade, that I went the whole day without eating. I was proud when I woke up this morning.

Today is day two, and when I first woke up I had a lot of cravings, but my mom left out an adderal for me to take for this 100 question math packet I have to do over the summer. So, I said to myself that I would wait to take it only until the cravings became un bearable. So, I went into the cuboards and was about to stuff my face with crackers, but then unwillingly I shut the cuboards and I went straight to take my adderal. Now its weird because yesterday I barely had any cravings so idk.

The differences that happened between yesterday and today is yesterday I woke up at like 8:46 and today I woke up at 10:30. Also, yesterday I had no problem with drinking the water, but today it is really hard to drink the water bottles. So, I am going to wait until 12(its 11:24 right now) and then at 12 I will take a water bottle and say I must drink that before 12:30, and then I will take the seccond one and say I must drink it by 1:00, so yeah. Wish me luck for today(:

5 pounds in 2 or 3 days

So, I did this a while ago but it didn't work, I only lost like 1.5 pounds in 3 days because I binged. I did this at the beginning of all of this. But now, since this week I am on a fast, I can succesfully do it...hopefully. So, this is what It said I need to do:

I entered my weight and it said how many ounces of water I needed to drink a day.
And thats 54 ounces of water a day for 2 or 3 days.

So, thats about 2 water bottles a day and maybe a half.
And it says that I need to keep my salt intake to under 500mg, which wont be an issue...except their may be sodium in those crystal light packages(5 calories). But I am sure its only like 100mg

So, I will do this and at the end of the 2 days I will weigh myself and see how much weight I have lost in the 2 days to say if this works or not.

This should be exciting and motivating. Hey, its for an "experiment". LOL(:

Tomorrow

So, tomorrow I am starting my fast. And yes tomorrows tuesday. So, here is a list of things I am going to do to distract myself:

Go on a walk for 2 hours, or a run for 1 hour
Finish my 2nd book for summer reading
Take a shower
Wait for hair to dry
Straighten hair
Call grandma and ask her to take me to cvs to get a few things(without her knowing I will get some stuff to fill me up with no calories or to make me poop if I binge a day)
Go on the computer
Clean house

MONEY?!?!

ohk so I made a list of all the items I WOUld need that I don't have for all the outfits I want, and I exited outsome items, but the total cost came to around...$400. And right now I have $175. So I need about $225 more. How the hell am I going to get that much? Well I don't know, I allready sold my ipod. Maybe I can look through all of my stuff and have a yard sale, or go to get money for it. IDK. Wish me luck(:

polyvore

Find me on Polyvore

Ideas for next year pt.2

So, when it was my first month writing in this blog, I made a list of 13 outfit ideas for next year(this year now). And so now, I am making some new outfit ideas...

outfit idea 1:
red plaid shirt
dark wash shorts
White lace spagetti straps
brown leather belt
brown leather flip flops

outfit idea 2:
red plaid shirt
black tank top
dark wash skinny jeans
brown leather belt
Black flip flops

outfit idea 3:
dark wash skinny jeans
white or navy tank top
navy or grey cardigain
black flip flops

outfit idea 4:
medium wash jeans
green tank top
navy sweatshirt

Outfit idea 5:
navy and white striped long sleeve shirt
purple tank top
dark wash jeans
medium wash boots

outfit idea 6:
white sweatshirt(zippy)
red shirt
dark wash jeans

Outfit idea 7:
medium wash jeans shorts
white belt
dark grey t-shirt
white sweatshirt

outfit idea 8:
plain green short sleeve shirt
white belt
my forever21 jeans


eh thats all I can think of for tonight. I'l post more eventually.

NEW THINSPO BOOK

Ohk, so I went back to the thinspo helping me, because I seemed to be really focused when I worshipped my thinspo book. So, I have that one to, but it got so thick that i couldnt staple anything more to it. So, I made another one. So, for the next week starting monday...I can carry those 2 books around the house with me(only looking at them when my mom is no where in site) like I did before. Also, I made a list of distractions. I am really prepared. Except, I need diet soda...I'll get that tomorrow on the way back from the cookout or something. And, next week I will probably hang out with merrisa like about 2 or 3 times. And when we hang out, I will make sure to bring gum with me and ice cold water! Also, I willmake sure not to go in her house because something allways comes up their when I eat something. So, when we hang out I'll ask her if she wants to take a walk, or bike ride. Fun. LOL(:

On Monday

On monday I am probably not going to go on the computer, I am going to try not to go on all week because its weird, when I am on the computer I am more likely to give into cravings. So tonight since my mom isnt here, I am going to print out thinspo and add it to my collection. But, I may go on like friday or something. IDK.

Can't wait until Monday!!

Today is saturday. The fourth of July and I was going to go with my mom to this cookout, but I couldn't find anything to wear because I look like a major fatass it everything!!! I feel like starting my fast tomorrow instead of monday, but then I know I would mess up because my mom is forcing me to go to our family friends aunts stupid more than one million dollar house. And no offence to their aunt...but I really don't feel like putting on this dress that I had to get yesterday just for a "fancy" cookout at a HOUSE on the WATER! I mean seriously...its ridiculous. I'll post a link to the dress if they have it on the website...hold on...

no, they dont have it.

But I am wearing this white wrap dress. But the material is really thin, like a cotton jersey material, but a bit stretchy. The dress is about 2 inches above my knee. I got it from american apparel at this shopping outlit near my house so it was like $25. And I am wearing red pumps. Who knew patriotism could look this good? LOL. The reason for the colors is because its a "fourth of july" cookout. Makes sense. So yeaah.

Providence Place Mall

So, today I went to providence place. I didn't get the shirt I wanted because when I went to abercrombie kids, the large was to short because of my long torso, and the Xlarge was to big. And when I went to abercrombie and fitch, they didnt have any more of the shirt I wanted except for the one on display which was in my size an XS. But then I went to hollister and the small was too small, so I asked if they had an XS in the back, but they said they dont carry XS in that shirt. So yeah. I ended up getting eyeshadow and eyeliner from sephora, 2 pairs of underwear from victorias secret in a small(the underwear ran small), Victorias secret everything refresher spray, victorias secret tinted lip butter, and a pair of jeans from hollister in a size 1slim. I was honestly shocked when I tried the 1 slim on and they fit. Because before I just barely fit into a 3. So, I am officialy a 1 at hollister. yay(: But, I still havent reached my goal yet. I want to be a 0 their, so like another 8 pounds to loose until I fit in a 0, and another 13 pounds until I am 95 pounds(: So, since this is like fourth of july week, I am cancelling my official fast for this week. Because I am cancelling it officially, but that doesnt mean that I wont fast. I mean I still am going to. But, I am starting it again officially next week, so I can start fresh, and take my adderall like 3 days next week since I have summer school work I need to do. Hey, it comes in handy at times like this. Lol(:

Oh, and when I went to sephora they were really nice and gave my 3 free samples of vera wang PRINCESS perfume and FEKKAI shampoo and conditioner. And, I am deffinatley going back their like in august before school starts to schedule a consultation and they can do my face with make-up, and I can purchase some make-up so I will have a new look for highschool. Ah, I am pretty sure that everything will perfectly fall in place.

And, NOTE TO SELF: remeber to officially re-start the fast next monday(:

Also, I am going to try to get some prune juice for when I am on the fast. I am going to try to completley de-flush my body. I really don't think I will be able to survive the fast without breaking for more than 4 days, but it's worth a shot. It's a challenge against myself(: